I’ve been avoiding this.
I can write short things, small poems, quick hits and move along, nothing to see here, nothing to fear…
I have always learned about myself by writing.
I’m afraid of what I might learn, this time, and that’s why I’ve been pretending to have forgotten about my little blog.
April 26, May 3, May 6, you would think people would show a little courtesy and die on dates further apart so as to spare me the trouble, to spare my hurts from being doubled or tripled or god-damned infinite.
Matt was a good kid. He looked up to me. He was 19 and having fun and then he was dead on a road in the middle of the night, and his mom and his brother and his dad and by the way his uncle, Big Matt, the 25-year-old that didn’t know what life meant yet, the guy that had so much of his identity wrapped up in a kid that had the same name, none of these people knew what to do, that night changed everything. I’ve read those words before,
That night changed everything
And I didn’t get it until I was screaming at the sky, drunk and destroyed, a few nights later, after burying that kid, that fucking stupid kid with an easy grin and more mischief than a toddler, that kid changed my life by dying. April 26
Ethan was a good kid.
My only kid brother, he was 29 years old and he had never caught a break on his life. Our mother had babied him and never taught him how to live and then, when she was tired of him, she booted him, just abandoned like a kitten on the freeway, he had no clue how to live. Something we had in common, except I was gifted with so many talents and strengths and I had other people to help me, but for Ethan, everything was harder.
He was a fat guy. 400 lbs of neglected emotion and he was a sweet kid, he lived with all of his heart and would give anything to someone he loved. He did some drugs, he got into some trouble, he was unlucky.
He broke his leg, and that lead to an infection that went into his heart and he died. A few months before his 30th birthday, he just died, and all of my thoughts about trying to help him and my guilt over being unavailable to him are all I have left. My only kid brother, and what does that mean, I had two kids that looked up to me and they both died young,
I’m starting to think it’s me. May 3
In fifteen years, I’ve had fourteen deaths land in my heart.
I won’t go through the whole list. It’s enough to say, some mattered more than others. I think it’s fair to acknowledge that everyone has their own significance, in the lives of those they are connected to…
Some hurt a lot more, when they go.
Matt hurt a lot. Ethan didn’t hurt as much, but there was more guilt. A few others ripped me up. One in particular that I can’t talk about.
Ruane, she was good at a lot of things.
She had a life that was both amazing and awful. The entire spectrum of experience was visited upon her, and she lived with undeniable courage. She also made some terrible choices and hurt a lot of people.
She was my angel. I was her angel.
We were close, for most of my life. She was a friend, she was a sister and a mother to me, she saved me more times than I can count, she was damnably charismatic and she was absolutely broken, and she was my hero. I looked up to her. She told me, once, when she was going through some hard times, that she looked up to me, because I was trying to live a life of truth and integrity.
All I had ever wanted was for Ruane to be okay. I had seen the whole story, I knew the good and bad and I understood the choices, I understand still what it’s like to live broken and damaged and somehow still face life with ferocity and courage, I got that from her. She gave me so much.
I left Colorado because I couldn’t afford to stay. Financially and emotionally. Going to the places where Ruane and I did things, hanging out and living, for close to 20 years she and I lived in those places and the memories were tearing me in half.
I remember still, and I dream about her almost every night. I am not ready to let go. It may take me more time, for this one. Some of the deaths I’ve carried were momentarily sad, and I moved on. Some have taken years to accept.
Ruane is still alive, in my mind. I can’t let her be dead, yet. I need her, I have always needed her to help me understand life.
She dropped her purse from her motorcycle. I hated that she rode it, I was sure she would get killed. She loved the rush of being almost dead and fully alive, going fast and feeling the wind on her body, she told me it was like a drug, and she loved the high.
It was late at night, she parked on the side of the street and ran out to get her purse. A drunk dude hit her, speeding and not paying attention, and she died on the pavement within a few minutes. May 6
I don’t mean to take anything away from anyone else. I know that Matt and Ethan and Ruane impacted a lot of other lives and I’m not the one that felt it the most…
I’m just the one writing about them.
People live and people die, and
I know this life is awful and amazing
And I can only live my own life
But how I wish I could have lived
I can imagine Matt, all grown up and 33, still with the foolish grin but a man, not a boy.
I can picture Ethan, 35 and finally figuring life out.
Ruane would have been 50 this July. Her grandkids miss her, her daughters miss her.
What would I have been, if they were alive, if Matt hadn’t changed everything, what would I have become?
Life doesn’t give anything
Without taking something else away.
One of these days, I’ll look back at right now and remember how I got through.
It’s happened before, it stands to reason that it’ll happen again.
One day all of the sleepless nights will seem like a distant memory, a fantasy I created to pass the time.
“Close your eyes…
I didn’t mean forever!”
(What Dreams May Come)
Some day, this period will seem like ancient history, the Greeks with bronze tools, the Romans with togas and debauchery and deception.
Some day I will sit at her side while she dies, or she will sit at mine while I go, and whichever way it happens we will remember all of the times we have rescued each other. We will remember the troubles, a little. We will remember the triumphs, a lot.
Some day our difficulties will make us feel stronger.
Once upon a time I thought I would be alone and unloved forever. Today I know better, that I have lives in my hands, I have hearts in my mind. I know today what I could not, then.
Some day I will have the answers that I lack today. The stress and trouble I feel right now will feel as unnecessary as the loneliness I used to live in.
Some day I will have the hugs and smiles that wait for me, across oceans and continents I have a family of real emotion, spread across the world. They know who they are and I know that they dream of that someday, the same as I do,
Some day my life will end on this plane and I will be remembered as things I almost was.
Some day I will think more about what I have done than what I will yet do.
I have a sister I’ve not met. We know each other through words on a screen and the occasional photo. We are close to the same age but have lived wildly different lives.
She is the person behind
Our Lady Of Lust And Grace
On Facebook, and her blog is the first I ever followed. She has a way, she has a style that hits my brain like sugar cookies, she says things that feel like home and she calls me Brother Matt, because I told her she is my sister.
This was written in response to one of her blog posts, if you don’t read her you should.
“I love this. I love you. It’s not up for debate and does not require any action on your part… It’s what I am.
I have been debated and disagreed with on this point, but, my definition of love seems to me to be accurate. After seeing what is said and done, for four decades and in hundreds of varied relationships, I have narrowed it down to a one-word topic:
Love is service.
A mother loves her child, and there is no use in arguing, because when she loves her child it can be seen (and if she doesn’t, it can be seen)
Spouses love each other when they put in effort to show love to each other
Siblings love each other when they make sure to exhibit love for one another
Strangers display their love for other strangers, for the needy, for the lonely, for the random asshole that needs a bit more concern… When one person feels love in their person for another, they act. It’s used as a catch-all go-to default setting type of thing, but so often it’s being used to imply some type of obligation… (Of course I love you, now do what I want)
If I love you, it means I will help you, I will work for you, I will go out of my way to give you a part of me and whether or not there is any tangible return from you, my love is being shown.
Love is service. Love is given. Love is acted. Love is Eve and her children are the gifts of nature. Love is an apple tree heavy with fruit. Love is a flowing, ice-cold stream of clear water, waiting for you to drink. Love is gifts left on a doorstep with no ‘from’ address. Love is the unnamed stranger changing a tire and leaving without a word.
Love is not a weapon… Love is a choice, a decision, an action, a thought that brings a smile.
Love is, it just is, love is.
Love must be. “
Twelve years, and twenty.
Two decades ago I came to Colorado, the next stop on a journey, I thought.
I had no plans to stay here.
I came for a job, and a place to live, and I had no idea how life would go,
I came from a place I didn’t like, to a place I didn’t like, and I assumed I would keep going after a short time.
I had no home, I thought.
I started working at my current job twelve years ago, today. I’ve been through a lot of life at Crystal Courier, I’ve learned a lot and grown more. Today is my last anniversary with the company. I’m happy to be going home to California, but there’s definitely some strong emotional activity going through me, right now. This company has been a huge part of me, for a dozen years. Highs and lows, good and bad, I have had a support system in place, and I’m leaving.
The call of saltwater and sunshine is beating on my soul, the memory of a childhood spent unaware of how amazing the place I was in truly was. California has it’s bad parts, and loads of issues, but it has my heart. I was born in Salinas, grew up in the Monterey Peninsula area and later in Humboldt County. I have missed the redwoods and the beaches, the foods and the scenery, for so long that I have accepted that longing as part of myself.
I have grown comfortable with the homesick angst, waking up thousands of miles away from home and visiting old haunts in my dreams. I have hurt without noticing for so long that I can’t remember what it’s like to feel anything without pain.
I am packing up my life, my kids and my wife, and we are going to the home I’ve almost forgotten.
I’m going, going,
This may not go the way I want it to, and I know that life will happen. I know we will have hard times, we will face challenges.
My darling wife and I will face them, together, on familiar ground.
We will make our life work, in a place where we are natural. A place we can call home.
I’m nervous about details,
But I am so happy to be going home.
my car sits motionless,
surrounded by impatience
nobody knows I’m here
My phone buzzes
Telling me that traffic is heavy, heading north on I-25, and I am surprised every time, because this is not a highway,
This is not a thirty-nine year old man, smoking another cigarette and listening to ‘World Class Rock’ on the radio,
I am not this.
I am, however, getting irritated by the intrusion of turn-signals as impatience dressed in expensive clothes and fancy cars keep changing lanes in front of me,
Don’t they know I don’t belong here?
The Lexus tries to merge into my passenger-side door and pulls away at the last second when eyes find me in a mirror, and I wonder if life will notice me too late, will reality crash into me just before seeing me here?
Can you save my heavydirtysoul? (Twenty-one Pilots)
I am sitting on a beach watching my daughter and sons play in the water, the sun shining on my tired face, as I see myself standing on the stone jetty that my brothers just jumped from, they call me to join them, but I see something in the water they don’t,
There’s a dark figure floating just under the surface of the waves, beckoning to me with a promise of the end,
It looks peaceful, calm…
We all float down here (Stephen King, It)
I’m watching her walk into the airport, and I know I mean to tell her to stay away, a scared stupid fool, and my heart begs me to run after her, go get her,
Go get Her
But I don’t. No matter how many times I see her walk away, I never go after her, and nine years later-
I am not here, thirty-nine years old and sitting in a car, smoking a cigarette and hoping the concrete dividers would pick up the pace as they crawl past me,
I’m not here, and nobody knows it, they don’t see me.
Impatience rides my bumper and hits the horn, because I am not close enough to the car in front of me.
All my life I’ve been searching for something (Foo Fighters)
She is there, looking at me, and I am lost. She is my dream, crashing into me just before I swim away, she wants me and I cannot stand how badly I want her, I can’t believe that this is happening, I was only here to say goodbye…
I wonder if life sees me, like she did. Not the image of me, not the idea of me, not the preconceived notion of what I could be or what I was…
Just me. A few flaws, a few strengths, a few laughs and a few years, anger and love and passion and desire and imagination, all packaged in disguise.
I exit the highway to my destination and I know, I am not this. I am not thirty-nine years old and working for a living, I am not a second-time college student struggling for grades, I am not a twisted soul writing poetry for internet eyes and digital hearts, I am not this.