Redemption

I ask you today for giveness,

I’m on my last surge and I’m fighting all my urges, I have too much to just

Let go

I do a lot of looking in, I’m trying to see past assumption and predisposition, I know that the things I know about myself are probably not as true as they feel

I’ve felt like I’m playing a role and I don’t know the lines, I’m trying to portray the character that I suppose myself to be in the best light, I want to be the fucking hero, the anti-hero and the reason they hold up to say,

This is why I need to save the world

But I’m not. I’m not a hero or a warrior, I’m a person that didn’t know how to grow up and nobody has told me, where to turn and what to learn and how I should shape the real things I do

I’m a fuck up

I like to be drunk, I have long ago tried all the ways I could to soften the hard points. I have made life changing decisions based on the wrong ideologies and concepts, and then bitched about my choice

I hurt people. That word, hurt… So many ways to flip it

There’s a wrongness inside me that tugs at my strings, a blister on a heel walking uphill on rough ground

I want to be forgiven. I want to feel like the hurt I have given has healed and been cast off

I also want to forgive. The wrongs given to me are weights around my ankles and I know that my step could be so much lighter than it is, I hope and pray and believe that I can be redeemed and forgiven and accepted and loved and that in one story, one scene, I can be the hero.

I’ve been told that forgiveness is something I can give without repentance, that even though I don’t see remorse or acknowledgement of blame, I should just let it go, it’s better for me, yeah, yeah, let those weights go and give it up to God,

These burdens are not mine to bear but I cannot seem to cast off the yoke

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