Deathgrip

There will be days that hurt more,

and days that go by more slowly.

You don’t get to skip those days,

not really.

You can hide in your bed

and try to sleep past the memories,

but they’ll be there

when you wake up.

You’ll be there.

Everywhere you go and everything you do will be a reminder that you are alive, and

she isn’t.

He isn’t.

They are not alive, every single breath and all the faces you see will be driving that message home.

I wish I could tell you that it goes away, that it gets better,

that you’ll get over it.

Maybe you will… I never have.

It’s taken me a really long time and too many funerals and

too many ‘memory’ days on the calendar to

finally

realize that I don’t want to get over it.

I don’t want to forget, or grow past them, or move on.

My personal grieving process is stuck right at acceptance.

I can accept that they died.

I have accepted that I won’t see them,

I can’t call,

they don’t have a mailing address,

I have accepted that the things I didn’t get to say will not be spoken to their faces.

I can’t let go.

I won’t let go.

The hurt that I felt when I heard the sentence,

she’s gone,

he died,

she didn’t make it,

he passed away,

that moment

and all of the sadness

that took hours and sometimes

days to sink in,

the aching and the dreaming

and the missing them,

the moments when I can imagine them around

to see good things or bad things,

when I can imagine how

they would have changed

in the time passed since,

that stuff doesn’t stop.

I won’t let it stop.

Even though it feels

like I’m punishing myself for something,

I won’t stop.

I can enjoy the good and happy moments,

I do.

I smile and I learn and I love,

and that’s how I justify my life.

I have enough that’s right

to keep carrying the wrong.

So,

when those days come and you hurt like it just happened,

don’t let people tell you that you’re wrong for how you get through it…

It’s your life, your days, your hurt.

You can embrace it

or run away from it,

you can ignore it or dive in.

Nobody else is going to live in your head with you,

unless you put them there.

I can see them, I can feel them.

Gayle, Dorothy, Matt, Fred, Sarah, Sean, Ethan, Kim, Blaire, Ruane,

and the ones I don’t talk about.

I can see them. I can feel them.

We Would Love To Hear Your Thoughts

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