If You Can Hear Me, Blink Twice

“I’ve come to realize,” she said, “it doesn’t matter who goes. I used to think, God, if this person dies, or if that person dies, I am out. I know now, it won’t change anything. This is my life to live, no matter who dies, no matter what happens.”

I don’t have to keep going.

I get to keep going.

Every day I wake up is one more day that I will experience that all who have left cannot see.

I don’t have Pollyanna optimistic expectations for life. I have seen terrible things, I’ve lived through awful times and been faced by (what seemed like) impossible obstacles.

I don’t sit around thinking how awful life has been. I still see the sunlight in the morning. I still sing. I chase my goals and aspirations. I stand up to my fears and I face down my negativity.

A lot has changed. I can’t live in a haze anymore, I can’t dive to the bottom of a bottle every time I want to, I can’t go tilting at windmills or ride off in search of adventure, but…

Goddamn am I loved.

I’m not talking about anonymous love, not a superficial appreciation for something I do, I’m not saying this with one gram of hyperbole,

So many beautiful people love me with genuine and sincere depth.

I love so many people without limits, without reservation.

Distance and finances keep us in our own sections of the world but the love flows, a raging river of emotion connecting my mind with others.

I don’t have to keep living,

Loving,

Growing.

I get to.

(and tonight, the anniversary of the last night of my sister’s life, I miss her. I know she would be proud of me.)

2 thoughts on “If You Can Hear Me, Blink Twice

  1. A strong and powerful way of dealing with the blows of life.
    I hope anniversary night was filled with love, tears and laughter.
    And I wish i could see or feel it that way. My daughter stepped out two months ago and all i feel is emptiness and broken. Maybe i can keep your way of looking at things somewhere in the back of my mind, just for the day we will have to ‘celebrate’ her day, birth and last.
    Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

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