When I walked through the door, I saw her. I was briefly angry at my mother for having her there. I was 22 years old and I didn’t want to deal with a bullshit set-up.
When I saw her, my anger left. I became nervous, and the next three seconds stretched into forever.
Her eyes met mine. I panicked.
I looked at my sister.
My sister saw me panicking, glanced at Jennifer, then smiled at me and nodded ever so slightly.
My panic dissolved, courage flooded my mind, and I
Reached up and pulled my hair out of the ponytail I was wearing, and I could almost hear Jennifer’s thoughts as I looked back at her after shaking my hair loose
Oh damn, he’s sexy, oh shit his hair is beautiful, haha, he is trying to attract me, oh my God, he likes me, ooh I can deal with this boy
She looked back at me and licked/bit her lower lip briefly, and I knew
That she knew what I was doing
And the three seconds were over, and I knew
That I couldn’t kill myself, as I had planned.
On the second day,
We went to Denny’s and my mother fell. She was hurt so we went to Monterey Community Hospital.
My sister took my mother in, and Jennifer and I sat. We talked about things, but really,
We were sitting and staring at each other’s mouths.
We walked around the hospital grounds and she told me that it was easier to walk and talk, her therapist used to walk with her along this path while they talked.
Back at the car, we sat again and as she spoke with nervous energy, I was building courage to kiss her beautiful lips, watching her form words was mesmerising, and I was about to lean in,
When I saw my mother and sister walking to the car.
That night, January 13, 2001, after everyone had gone to sleep, I was on the floor asleep and I had a nightmare.
I woke up and saw Jennifer sleeping a few feet away.
The light was coming through the window and fell perfectly on her lips.
I stared for about 20 seconds and she looked at me
I can feel you looking at me
I felt all of the chances I had not taken, every cell in my body urging me forward, I went to her
She watched me
I leaned over her and
lips so soft met mine
her body eagerly pressed up against me
her hands grabbed the back of my neck
And I realized…
I’m already lost.